Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Global Warming Unmasked

Today's column:

The occasion of the latest April blizzard seems a proper time for another column concerning global warming. It is emphatically true that cold weather in April has occurred previously, and thus it is idiotic to pretend that the recent bout of weather is proof positive that global warming does not exist. So far as I know, no one actually offers this as proof, save sardonically. On the other hand, it is routinely noted that global warming will produce strange happenings in regards to weather. In short, global warming will not only cause global warming, but it may cause global cooling as well. In a word, weather will continue to be weather, with the addition that now we have caused it, oh powerful we, and that we ought to do something about it.

Forgive me for not taking such a theory very seriously; I don't see how anyone with a shred of common sense in their head could. This is not to say that it is imbecilic to believe that the earth is warming; there is indeed evidence to suggest as much. But a theory that chalks up every possible output as proof positive of said theory is absolutely ridiculous. Let warming be the cause of warming, not the cause of everything.

It is always difficult to concoct a parallel to an absurdity in such a way that the reader understands that while the parallel is solemn, the parallel example itself is absurd. Here follow my feeble attempts. It is as if when the NHL mandated smaller pads for goalies someone postulated that on average scoring would go up, but then cited examples of low-scoring games as proof of their theory. It is as if when people began to download music, it was theorized that album sales would decrease, but then a rise in sales by various independent artists was taken as evidence of the validity of the theory.

If a hockey fan cried foul in high-scoring games and low-scoring games alike, we would suspect that he had a hidden motive. In all likelihood, he simply hated the rule change. If a representative bemoaned increases and decreases in record sales alike, we might begin to wonder if he cared about record sales at all, or whether he simply hated downloading. Similarly, we might begin to suspect that the global warming crowd did not really care what happened to the temperature of the earth. Something else is at stake.

The concern of the global warming company is not with the actual warming; it is with the internal combustion engine, especially when it is used to power an SUV; it is with American decadence, which takes pride in exorbitant plunder of the earth's resources. Their general theory is that the behavior of human is causing the earth to flirt with going postal—on us. It is only to the most advanced—I use that term in the loosest sense possible—nations that this message is addressed. As such, their problem lies with the industrialized nations; and as the world's largest economic powerhouse, America is especially set aside for rebuke.

Now interestingly enough, if they simply stated their objection to the American way of life I might consider jumping on the bandwagon. If it was said that we ought to burn down all the McDonald's and Wal-Marts across the fruited plains, I would respect the warming crowd as revolutionaries, even if I wouldn't necessarily contribute a torch. But they do not do this. They aim to work clandestinely—like cowards. They are not content with a movement of the people. Apparently people will never be able to fight the onslaught of global warming all by themselves. It is government, especially international government, which must do the heavy lifting for the poor people who are helpless in the face of crisis. In short, the global warming crowd, like the backers of ASMTU we discussed last week, are snobbish elitists.

At long last we have reached the heart of the matter. Regardless of what happens to the weather, outside action is needed on behalf of the government. I hardly think it wise to trust those who, based on dubious assertions, legislate dubiously, with the hope of protecting ourselves from ourselves, when in reality, this is only but another example of liberty's long death march. I much prefer an honest tyrant to one who works surreptitiously.

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