Ban the Cell Phones

It's the only thing we can do, really:

[Scientists] are putting forward the theory that radiation given off by mobile phones and other hi-tech gadgets is a possible answer to one of the more bizarre mysteries ever to happen in the natural world - the abrupt disappearance of the bees that pollinate crops. Late last week, some bee-keepers claimed that the phenomenon - which started in the US, then spread to continental Europe - was beginning to hit Britain as well.

The theory is that radiation from mobile phones interferes with bees' navigation systems, preventing the famously homeloving species from finding their way back to their hives. Improbable as it may seem, there is now evidence to back this up.

Since scientists--one almost feels the need to capitalize the word in reverence--are making these claims, we have no choice but to believe them. As anyone who believes earnestly that something must be done about global warming could tell you, scientists are never wrong. About anything. That there are scientists on every side of any new-fangled theory is irrelevant; those scientists who happen to disagree with your opinion are not scientists at all, and are probably being paid large amounts of money by nefarious corporations such as HaliBurton. Thus these scientists must be believed.

Also, whenever human beings are doing dubious damage to the environment, they must rectify their behavior immediately. This is because liberty is not nearly as important as appeasing our mother the earth. Therefore in order to ensure that harvests continue we must ban cell phones. Since I do not own one of the dreaded devices, this will not affect me in the least; and anyone who suggests that I am only offering this suggestion because I loathe cell phones would be a liar. It is not wise to under-rate my love for mother earth.

Dropping the sarcasm for a bit, there are a few important lessons here. First, it is very important to make sure a theory is sound before we go off chasing it like little children. A theory is a fine thing, but it may be an entirely wrong one as well, and as fine as it may be, it does little good unless it is correct in its analysis of the facts.

Second, humans are a bad influence on the environment. Human history is riddled with attempts by man to conquer the earth. Genesis begins rightly with the command from God to "subdue the earth". Now, cell phones may not have been developed with this specific task in mind, but any attempt to enhance civilization will carry with it the possibility, if not likelihood, of ill effect upon the environment.

Last, but certainly not least, man's quest to make life safer will always be a foolish one so long as man is mortal. It seems like a platitude, but it is a very important truth. Before ceding any liberty to the powers that be, it is imperative to make sure that the deal is well worth it. Powers once given to the government are seldom returned, at least not until the revolution. It's going to take a long time before, say, certain states start allowing patrons to smoke in bars again. It merits keeping in mind.